*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
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please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.