*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
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Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
thank god the sign was there
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*