*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
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[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.