[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
You Might Also Like
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck