Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
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Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you