[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
You Might Also Like
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
no!! no!!!!!!
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
turning my gender off to conserve energy
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns