Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
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If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.