*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
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Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.