[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
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Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted