*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
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YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you