[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
You Might Also Like
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.