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The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.