Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
You Might Also Like
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
looks legit
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
So we got a goldfish…