Smallpox sounds so adorable
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God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.