[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
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HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family