Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
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Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
the council will decide your fate
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.