Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
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[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
Ha
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
Traveler’s camo
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.