*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
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If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.