Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
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I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
no one ever comes back
need a new bf mines broken 😐
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card