Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.

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“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.


Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.


Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?

My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—



Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose

Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger


I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite


Croc store. Rooster walks in.

Salesman: How may I help you?

Rooster: A Croc or two will do.


All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…


Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.


My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.


If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for: