Smells like a challenge to me
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My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
Wait a second…
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?