smh
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Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
Air pods looking like an angry frog
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
Muppet Screams
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’