smh
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dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers