Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
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my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck