Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
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I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.