Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
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Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.