[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
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if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
every college guy’s fridge
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?