*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
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Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”