@KalvinMacleod [Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
@iwearaonesie *smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
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@KalvinMacleod 
@robdelaney Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
@JennyJohnsonHi5 I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
@meganamram Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
@CulturedRuffian [INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
@david8hughes [steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
@decentbirthday judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
@rn_murse yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
@buck4itt Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.