@DrunjAF

*smokes fat doobie*

*enters hotdog eating contest*

*sets Guinness World Record*

*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*

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@UnFitz

Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.

@ThugRaccoons

Pastor: He is risen!

Me: Who?

Pastor: Jesus

Me: Jesus who?

Pastor: Jesus Christ

Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.

@wildethingy

Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.

– a short history of responsibility

@HappyHijabbi

Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugar

Me too kid, me too

@Cain_Unable

-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”

@sonictyrant

Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]

Fred: MY DAUGHTER!

@pena_core

I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol

@notmythirdrodeo

I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”

@david8hughes

[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”

@thedad

Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.