Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
You Might Also Like
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.
– a short history of responsibility
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugar
Me too kid, me too
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.