*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
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I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
Thursday
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
My work here is done
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks