Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
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WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken