Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires

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If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.


Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.


My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet


I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”


@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!


Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?

A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?


Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads


Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?

Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…


[date night]

me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here

gf: we are in your apartment

me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door


[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*

Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-

Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*