@patnspankme

Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires

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@Playing_Dad

If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.

@ceejoyner

Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.

@caseyJsalengo

My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet

@ADHDeanASL

I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”

@thefunnytweeter

@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!

@ravenswng_

Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?

A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?

@meganamram

Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads

@Mom_Overboard

Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?

Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…

@panmidwest

[date night]

me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here

gf: we are in your apartment

me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door

@kyry5

[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*

Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-

Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*