smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
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but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
cat vs inanimate object
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs