smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
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I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
Am I original?
Am I the only one?
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend