smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
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The 6 types of sex
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
put ‘er there pardner!
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.