Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
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I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.