Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.

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*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?


My son just hugged me.

Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.


Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47


[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen


I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.


10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.


This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs


If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.


“You’re not like the other girls.”

“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”