*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
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If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
so, is there a mister shapen head
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert