snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
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70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
Never forget.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.