@Jeffwni

Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]

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@aveuaskew

In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.

@IvoryGazelle

[inventing tupperware]

make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti

@KalvinMacleod

911 what’s the emergency

“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”

Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*

@daemonic3

[CSI at Starbucks]

“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”

Barista: At what?

“At large”

At what?

“At venti?”

OMG HOW AWFUL!!!

@UNDEADTRESOR

Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.

@fixyourcompass

Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.

@Bob_Janke

I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him

@TheAlexP

Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.

@sharkies3

Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn