@Jeffwni
@mommajessiec Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
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@mommajessiec 
@MattMcC1 in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
@AndyAsAdjective *stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
@KarenKilgariff My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
@dave_cactus ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
@itsBABYSMITH *aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
@heidi420x I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
@CulturedRuffian Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
@Reel2Dialog2 I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
@liljonlovitz FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that