@Jeffwni
@aveuaskew In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
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@aveuaskew 
@IvoryGazelle [inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
@KalvinMacleod 911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
@AnniemuMary Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
@daemonic3 [CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
@UNDEADTRESOR Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
@fixyourcompass Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
@Bob_Janke I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
@TheAlexP Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
@sharkies3 Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn