@Jeffwni
@GensPlace I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
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@GensPlace 
@GrantTanaka Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
@JasonLastname My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
@KentWGraham I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
@david8hughes Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
@noog Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
@jwoodham MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
@curiousteej Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
@jesseltaylor Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
@mjkspeaks [meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”