Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]

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In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.


[inventing tupperware]

make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti


911 what’s the emergency

“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”

Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*


[CSI at Starbucks]

“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”

Barista: At what?

“At large”

At what?

“At venti?”



Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.


Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.


I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him


Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.


Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn