@Jeffwni

Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]

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@GensPlace

I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.

@GrantTanaka

Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what

@JasonLastname

My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.

@KentWGraham

I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.

@david8hughes

Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.

@noog

Cop: License and registration please.

Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.

Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?

Me: No.

@jwoodham

MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!

@curiousteej

Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish

@jesseltaylor

Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is

Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories

@mjkspeaks

[meeting with boss]

“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”

“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”