Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
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Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.