[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
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If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
just pretend nothing happened
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.