SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
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My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
There’s always that one guy
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
I’d rather fork than spoon.
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?