Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
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*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour