[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
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Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.