Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
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Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
I’ve had relationships like this
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.