@_SouthernMama

Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.

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@stephenjmolloy

Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”

*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”

@mydmac

*uneasily answers phone

‘Guess who?’

David?

‘No’

John?

‘No’

Mike?

‘No’

Steve?

‘No, I made you very happy the other night’

Haagen Daz?

‘NO’

Pizza Hut?

@Reverend_Scott

“SOMEONE IS VAPING”

911: Stay calm, were tracing it

“HURRY”

911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE

“OMG”

911: GET OUT GET OUT

@eleniZarro

Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol

@DrCephalopod

[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.

@Hormonella

If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.

@CornOnTheGoblin

[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab