Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
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“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
Get off my horse you stupid moon
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
Travel bloggers during quarantine
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.