snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
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wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.