Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
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I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
Meanwhile in Canada…
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards