*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
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He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what