you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
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me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!