Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
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My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo