Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.

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you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is


me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free


Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase


Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.


When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.


[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!


*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.


Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.


If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.


Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!