sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
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Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing