Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
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I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
BaD BoY!!
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.