Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on

Ways I am superior to ducks:

1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts

2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family

3. Better Penmanship

4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)

I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us

Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”

Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”

What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?

[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

From mommies.

“How do they get inside?”

CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT

Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup

I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.

I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.

ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments

GENIE: um ok

ME: I wish everyone was gullible

GENIE: Done

ME: And I wish for updog

GENIE: What’s updog?

ME: *looks at camera*

I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.

[interview]

So what’s a personal strength?

“Honesty.”

And a failing?

“I murder people who don’t hire me.”

What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?

They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.

Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie

Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…

Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!

Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.

Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess

“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.

*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*

ugh, it tastes like the house

Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?

Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*

BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?

NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-

INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know

Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!

[first day as a cashier]

customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper

me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying

Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps

When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”

My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol

I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older

Going to pronounce fecal like decal