sneaking therapy tips into conversation with my mom like how u give a dog a pill wrapped in cream cheese
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were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Happy thanksgiving!
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
I warned you I would betray you over potatoes, this is on you.
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
Welcome to middle age, where you wake up hungover whether you’ve had a drink or not.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.