*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
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I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
#MeanwhileinCanada
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.