@iwearaonesie

*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*

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@TurnpikeTony

I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.

@FunnyBison

– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny

@tchrquotes

Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.

@Cheeseboy22

New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.

@iwearaonesie

“They’re gray with gray stripes”

– me warning my dog about skunks

@galiamango

I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems

@themorris23

I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me

@beefman138

You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.