*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
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I’d hang this in my house.
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.