Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Muppet Screams

[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?

[watching Jaws]

Me: Which ones Jaws

Girlfriend: Who do u think?

Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell

The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos

My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager

I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.

Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?

Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!

Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.

Date: you know that was just a filter, right?

Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.

Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.

cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell

True.

when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there

Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’

Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’

What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.

I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one

This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?

Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?

*first day at gymnastics class*

Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!

Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.

Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good

Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.

HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s

Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.

[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!

It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.

[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-

Cashier: you’re 8 cents short

Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide

Cashier: no

Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now

me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok

In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.

Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.